House, MD, STD Doctor
by The Flame Heart
Summary: House is temporarily demoted to an STD clinic. As if regular clinic duties weren’t enough trouble House now has to deal with paranoid patients, hookers, and Cuddy’s dominative air after accomplishing this feat. ch.2 added
1. Yeast Infection

_**House, M.D., STD Doctor**_

**Authoresses Notes  
**House is temporarily demoted to an STD clinic. As if regular clinic duties weren't enough trouble; House now has to deal with paranoid patients, hookers, and Cuddy's dominative air after accomplishing this feat.  
**PG-13** for some sexual language  
**Intellectual/Comedy/General** Lost of references to diseases and their cures... well, STD's and their cures... if there are any.

* * *

"You're useless!" Cuddy cried, throwing her arms into the air.

"Pace a little faster," House observed, tilting his head to the side a bit. "I can see your panty-hose riding up."

Cuddy slammed her fists down on her desk, staring House squarely in the eye (House took note to remember the date; Wilson would never believe him). "It's only about sex with you, isn't it?"

House raised his eyebrow and leaned on his cane, "Well, here? Only if you want to... it might be a little uncomfortable-"

"Stop! Stop it, stop it, stop it!" Cuddy threw her hands up in the air, filled with rage. "The only reason I haven't fired you is only because you're the best damn doctor we can afford, and you - you make lewd comments at every moment! If you didn't save lives every four or so months on impossible cases, I'd have fired you by now!"

"You touch me, Doctor Cuddy," Greg threw his head back, taking Vicoden with him. "Really, you do,"

"That's it!" The female fumed. "I'm demoting you until you can straighten out yourself!"

"Demotion, Doctor?" Greg feigned shock. "What could be worse than clinic hours?"

She put on an evil smirk, "Well, I figured since you like sex so much, I'd give you a _fun_ job."

House raised his eyebrows again, genuinely interested. "Oh...?"

"Yes." Doctor Cuddy scribbled something down on a piece of paper, handing it to her employee.

"Will you tell me?" House said, folding the paper and putting it in his breast pocket.

"STD clinic," Cuddy said, without looking up from her paper.

House let out a long, hard laugh, then looked at her. "Oh, I'm sorry. I just thought you said STD clinic. It's quit alright, we can still have sex. I have no STD-"

"You're working there," Cuddy said in the same manner as before. "until I say otherwise. You're starting tomorrow, doctor. Unless we have a patient with an incurable disease that only you can cure, you're to stay there." She stood up from her desk and gathered her jacket and car keys. "I'm stopping by 7-eleven on my back from Olive Garden. Would you like anything to drink?"

* * *

"An STD clinic? Oh, God," Foreman (random fact: That's the name of the authoresses German teacher) burst out in laughter. "Now I'm tempted to get an STD... On the other hand, no, I'm not; I don't want House anywhere near my man-parts."

"No, you don't want House near you, _period._ Primarily because he breathes fire when he works in clinics... Trust me, I've seen it." Doctor Wilson said from the door of the Rest Room (it was originally a waiting room, but the House team had dubbed it their own quarters, with a little basketball hoop over the trash can and everything). "He even grew out his fingernails long, just for the pleasure of the poking out the ends of his gloves. He stole Cuddy's nail hardener that week... Oh, it was _priceless._"

"Do you need anything, Doctor Wilson?" Cameron asked ignoring Foreman and Chase's fits of laughter.

"Oh, no, I just came to tell that little story. And to pick up House's gameboy," Wilson held up the little contraption as proof. "He's hoping that nobody will come into the clinic."

* * *

"Um... I have an appointment today..." A man said once he reached the front desk of the STD clinic. House sat in a nearby chair, peering at the man over his gameboy; he was in his mid twenties and looked nervous as hell. This made Greg smile a bit.

"And what is your name, sir?" The receptionist asked, looking down at her computer.

The man jumped and leaned over the counter, close to her. "Alexander Taip," he whispered quietly.

"Are you afraid somebody will recognize you?" House chimed perkily, turning off the gameboy and putting it in his pocket. Standing up carefully, he leaned on his cane. "I'm Doctor House, and I will be tending your STD today," He raised his voice at the last few syllables, causing the man to turn a few shades of red and the people in the waiting room to hush.

"Come along," House said with fake cheer as he limped-slash-led the man into the clinic room. "I contemplated asking if you wanted your usual room, but I'll save that for my next patient," he said shortly, lobbing himself down in a swivel chair. "Well, sit down."

Alexander sat reluctantly, looking at his surroundings.

"First time at a clinic or are you afraid that anything will jump out and eat you?" House rolled his eyes, and whacked the young man in the leg with his cane. "Pay attention, idiot!

"What are your symptoms?"

The man rubbed his leg, "I... I don't know... Itching, irritation-"

"Congratulations," House said loudly, his voice filled with sarcasm. "You have just listed most of the symptoms for every STD in the United States! How _did _you do it?"

"Um, well-"

"Stand up," House demanded, stamping his cane on the floor for emphasis. Nervously, he stood. "Straighten your back!" He immediately straightened. "Turn around," Alexander turned. "Turn back around... now stick your right leg out... Good." House smiled in a demonic fashion. "I rather like this, I feel as if I could be a drill sergeant. Or the person who directs the Hokey Pokey; did you know the man who created it _died_ the other day?" House managed to sound scandalized while saying that last sentence, "It was a rather odd funeral. First, they put his left leg in... Am I boring you, Alex?"

He shook his head slowly, confused. "Yes- I MEAN NO! Of course not, sir! No, sir, not at all, sir,"

House stared at him quizzically. "Does your girlfriend smell like beer? Baking bread? Notice anything when you're 'down below', if you know what I mean?"

"Well... She got a piercing on her-" House stared at him. "Err. Yes. Like a bakery. And when she comes it's... it's so gross, it's a frothy gray stuf-"

"When was the last time you screwed her?" Greg asked, observing his cane.

"_What?_"

"When was the last time you put it in her?" House asked, pausing after every word, thinking. "I'm sorry; it took be awhile to find all the one syllable words."

"Not recently..." Alexander said quietly his eyes darting around.

"Have you eaten her out _recently_?" The doctor was smiling. It was fun to mess with this patient's head. He was so gullible! 'Probably just graduated from Catholic school,' He thought giddily.

A mumble escaped the boy. "I'm terribly sorry for the fact that you have recently gone mute."

"I said yes. Two weeks ago, and then this disgusting _foam_ came..."

"Alright, now," House stood up and snapped on his medical gloves, fishing out a random needle from the drawer, "I'm just going to stick this needle into your penis and the results will be back- hello? Oh, damn, another one bites the dust." He prodded at the newly passed out figure on the table. When Alex didn't move, he smacked him on the knee with his cane. "You have Candidiasis... or a yeast infection. In your mouth and probably on your penis, too; you can choose several treatments... yogurt - which contains lactobacillus, a friendly bacteria that kills yeast, acidophilus tables or salves , crushed garlic loaves - which have allicin, an antifungal - boric acid has been quite popular recently. Gel-caps are filled with boric acid and power and are inserted in your penis, at bedtime. You could always use Clotrimazole, nystatin, fluconazle, ketoconazole. Send in a picture of the infection sight of your girlfriend. Then send her in, we'll need to treat _her_ with amphotericin B, caspofungin, or voriconazole," House wrote out his prescription on a notepad. "Eat a yogurt twice a day - morning and night, and use your choice of treatment on your man-zone. Personally, I think the yogurt or garlic would be funny," he raises his eyebrows at this, and limped out the door to the waiting room.

_END_

* * *

**Authoresses Notes  
**I always thought it would be funny if House worked in an STD clinic. And we just finished up our STD unit in health, and I just saw an episode of House, so I thought 'Why not?'

I hope you all found this as amusing as I did. )

**Vicoden** If you don't know what that is, those are the m4g1c p1llz that House takes oh-so-often.

**The entire last paragraph** No, you weren't supposed to understand that. At all. If you're a Med student and you don't get it, I'm ashamed in you! Shame, shame, shame.

Resources: wikipedia(dot)org

Note: I am thinking about writing more chapters - each one with a different STD... what do you guys think?


	2. Pubic Lice

Editt: Yes, terribly sorry about the spelling errors, Julie. I have fixed them and re-posted the second chapter.

**Authoresses Notes**

Terrible sorry at the long wait in between chapters; I've been quite busy almost failing school. Anyway! Grades are better, so presenting, chapter two of _House, M.D., STD Clinic_.

Enjoy;

**Chapter Two**

"Good morning, Doctor. Are you on your way to the clinic?" Doctor Wilson greeted House with enough sarcasm to drown Jim Carey. "May I hold your files, sir? I need you to tend to this awful ooze I've been dealing with af- OWSONOFABITCH!" Wilson gripped his left shin with both hands, dropping his coffee mug. "What the HELL was that for? Is that tipped with iron?"

House gripped his cane with his hand and limped towards the clinic. He was aiming to hit Wilson's neck, but his shin was closer (and yes, his new cane was tipped with iron).

* * *

"Don't talk to House," Wilson warned as he limped into the Rest Room.

Foreman turned the page of his book, "Hey, there's a new disease in here, it's called 'House', other common names 'louse of unusual size'. It can commonly be found working in cahoots with STDs," Chase stifled a laugh.

"Good morning, House." Cuddy said respectfully, entering the doctor's clinic office.

"Good morning attractive colleague and upper who has a secret obsession with sleeping with me but won't admit it and decides to go into denial about it by sticking me to STD clinic duties," Greg answered without looking up from his gameboy.

Cuddy was silent for a moment then spoke "You know, that was kind of clever, but I don't think anything would want to have sex with you. Not even... a horny dog, for lack of a better analogy,"

"You just said 'anal'." House observed, looking at Cuddy over Metroid Prime.

The superintendent made an irritated noise before stomping out of the clinic. House smiled- but only a little.

* * *

A knock sounded on the clinic door and Greg apprehensively looked up from his game, and then flicked his eyes back down. It wasn't a familiar knock. The door opened- the person carried a file with them; a patient.

"Spectacular- the clinic isn't even _open_ and Cuddy is sending me patients." House clicked off his gameboy and put it in his breast pocket. "Well, sit down,"

The person just stood there. A girl, with dark brown hair that had been curled over night and artificial nails, but obviously a professional - she wore a pinstripe skirt-suit with horn rimmed glasses and high heels. "Um..." She gestured to where House was sitting (which happened to be the patient table).

House sighed sarcastically and stared at the swivel chair under the desk. The girl moved to get it then sat down, crossed her legs and folded her hands over her knees.

"I am Doctor Gregory House, M.D., and I will be tendin... ahh, screw it, blue is not your color." Greg sighed, rubbing his hand on his forehead.

A quizzical look, "Pardon, what?"

"Blue is not your color," the doctor pointed his cane at the woman's skirt and lifted it up a bit. "Granny pants." She smacked his cane away and looked scandalized. "Now that we've gotten the awkwardness out of the way, you may introduce yourself and your symptoms."

The girl, still taken aback, did so anyway. "I... my name is Katja Melbourne-" House cut her off.

"Real name, please. I'm not going to post your records all over the walls at the strip club advertising that you have an STD."

She scowled. "Melissa Rowling- itching, infection, pimples on my naughty - You are the rudest, most inconsiderate, psycho pervert in this hospital."

House looked genuinely surprised. "You know _worse_? Oh, do give me their number so we can exchange notes." He sighed and looked up at the ceiling. "It was a _joke_. How long have you been having these symptoms?"

"About two weeks- maybe more, I don't know," She turned her nose up away from him.

"You been having infection on your 'naughty' for two weeks and didn't see a doctor? How pitiful can you get? Are you lying to me? I thought we had something for a minute…"

Her face twisted in a look of rage and she stomped her heel on the floor. "Look, I'm a patient, you're the doctor, and would you just frigging DIAGNOSE me already!"

House looked taken aback, then grinned, pulling latex gloves out of the drawer and snapping them on. "Alright, we'll get this done quickly. Pull up your skirt, please."

Melissa's back suddenly became rigid. She pulled her skirt tightly across her knees as if to deny House access. House tapped his cane impatiently on the floor and checked his watch every few seconds.

"That's okay, I can wait." He said, leaning against the counter. Melissa grimaced and very reluctantly pulled up her skirt- slowly, though.

"Ell oh ell, jay kay," (a/n: 'lol jk'… chat speak, I can so imagine House saying that) House said, pulling the gloves off with another loud, decisive _snap_. "Do you know what a nit is, Miss Rowling?"

Immediately Melissa brought her skirt down. "No, care to enlighten me?"

The doctor opened a cabinet above the sink and fished his hand through it, before pulling out what appeared to be a large picture book that read "CRABS". "A nit, look, here's a little picture, but anyway- a nit is a lice egg- they attach to hairs and are impossible to brush off and have to be removed with a comb or yanking them off. Nits are oval shaped and usually yellow or white- incredible small, too, dreadfully so even- and take about one week to hatch," he showed her the picture on the page, then turned it to the next one. "A nymph is a baby louse. It looks like an adult louse, but it's smaller. They mature in about one week after hatching. To live, much like their adult form, they must feed on blood.

"The adult louse can get from one millimeter to three millimeters in size. It's also called a crab, because when viewed under a magnifying glass it resembles a miniature crab. They have six legs and the two from legs are very large and look like crab pincers. They are tan to gray-white in color. The females, of course, lay the nits. You can tell which ones are female 'cause they're bigger than the males. If a louse falls off a person, it will die within one or two days." He showed Melissa the diagram of the louse life cycle and the picture of the adult louse.

The look on the woman's face couldn't be described as "horror" or "complete and utter shitting-your-pants fear", it was indescribable- and completely and truly amusing to House.

"I have _crabs_? I have _pubic lice?_ NO THAT IS SO GROSS." She screeched loudly at the top of her lungs. Greg winced and covered one of his ears.

"Go to the supermarket or something and pick up some permethrin/pyrethin lice shampoo, but you have to shave/comb your pubes in order to remove the nits- the comb comes with the kit of lice shampoo. Lice can live on bedding and clothing, too, so those must be sterilized or treated. There's also lindane lice shampoo, and it's not recommended for pregnant or nursing women or for children less than two years old." House paused for a minute and grimaced, "How much would it _suck_ to have crabs when you're pregnant? Poor ladies can't even see their pubic hairs, much less _treat _them…"

"Can I go now? Please?" Melissa sounded urgent and was twitching. Maybe it was the knowledge that a tiny crab was crawling on her, maybe it was because Gregory House was such terrible company.

"Why, yes, of course, I don't want your bugs. Oh, but you know what they say-" House raised his voice and Melissa ran out the door. "It's better to have lobsters in your pianos than crabs in your organs!" (A/N: I would like to thank Hakuniko for that comment, she told me it in Deutsch I klasse,)

* * *

House limped to the Room of Rest a little after noon. Wilson raised his eyebrow at House inquiringly. "Slow day down in the clinic. Oh, your ice is melting! I could get more for you." House faked sympathy as he noticed Wilson nursing his shin with a large bag of ice.

"No, really, that's okay, don't bother yourself." Wilson glared at his friend before picking up the bag and putting it in the freezer and taking out a fresh bag. "How was Katja Melbourne this morning?"

"You mean Melissa Rowling? She was the stripper that jumped out of my birthday cake last year! Fancy that, eh? Kinda regret eating it though… She has crabs." House sat across from Wilson, slinging his cane on the back of his chair. "I heard a weird story the other day, too. Guy was celebrating his seventieth birthday. So his buddies decided 'hey, let's get him a stripper to hop outta his cake'. He died on his birthday. The stripper that came out of his cake was his eighteen year old granddaughter,"

"Bummer," James said, smiling widely. "What happened to the daughter? She still a stripper?"

House jumped with his eyes wide with shock. "Doctor James Wilson! How dare you think of your own daughter like that?" An ice pack was hurled at House, who barely managed to duck in time, but still got showered with freezing cold water.

After Wilson's laughter died down, House stood and limped over to Wilson, reaching for his cane absently. Not finding it, he smacked Wilson on the head. "You think you're damn funny, don't you? Well, I got news for you, buddy, I will get my revenge on you." He stalked over to his chair and retrieved his cane before limping out of the room.

* * *

Later on that evening, Wilson was awoken out of his sleep by a circle of male strippers (seven in total)around him- all dressed as police officers, with badges covering their no-no's. "Excuse me, sir, we're going to have to conduct an urgent strip-search, we've gained news of an illegal contraband on your persons," Suddenly loud music was pumping through the air and the strippers were dancing exotically all around him.**

* * *

**

**Authoresses Notes:**

I love the feuds that Wilson and House have. :D House: 2, Wilson: 0. All information contributing to STDs were found on wikipedia(dot)org. Oh, and thank you for your reviews! I have had three reviews and three hundred hits! That's the MOST I've had _ever_! Thank you all for your subtle support!

Note: It might take awhile for me to update because my internet has been taken away (I'm connecting to the neighbors) and won't let me sign into my account on my computer. Bad, bad!

Editt: For those of you that don't read the beginning of the chapter, I edited all the problems with the story. And I'm grounded from the internet- damnit! Mutti took my antennae away, so it's very hard for me to update.

Lots of love, Flame.


End file.
